Bridges
by camerangel
Summary: [Rent fic] Then next chapter is in progress hopefully it will be done soon. Please be patient. Bridges is not only about how sometimes you build bridges and sometimes you burn them, but the lessons you learn along the way.
1. Breaking Point

_**DISCLAIMER: This gets a bit graphic so read at your own discretion. Also I have chosen not to write Mimi with the stereotypical latina street language. I view her as a very smart girl who has made some very bad choices. She still has the attitude and the brass, just not the language. This is my first attempt at fan fiction, and I hope you enjoy it. Please leave me reviews.**_

The night air was frigid but neither of us seemed to notice. The snow was still falling lightly, creating a beautiful scene around us. Roger gently wrapped me in my coat and then slipped his on himself. The Life Café and all our friends were shrinking in the distance behind us as we walked the empty New York streets. My head was still reeling from the past few hours and I was still trying to grasp what it all means. It was after 1 am and Christmas was officially upon us. I couldn't help but think to myself what a perfect way to spend Christmas. There was something about Roger, I could feel it in my soul. I knew it the moment he opened the door earlier tonight, it's why I had been so persistent, why I had purposely blown out my candle and dropped my stash. I have tried so desperately to avoid emotional attachments but it seems that Roger isn't going to make this easy on me. My heart hasn't leapt and danced with such vigor for as long as I can remember. I try to remind myself not to get my hopes up, but his touch, the weight of his arm around my shoulders makes it near impossible.

Roger startles me from my thoughts, but I try not to let it show.

"You're awfully quiet, what are you thinking about" His eyes searching mine. We've stopped walking.

"Nothing just thinking about how crazy and unexpected this whole night has been. You're not exactly Mr. Conversation yourself you know. " I smile "What are you…"

Suddenly he leans over and kisses me, gently, tenderly. It is the last thing I would have expected him to do. Startled, my breathe catches in my throat and I have to fight to keep my balance. A rush of panic washes over me, hoping he hasn't noticed me stumble. His lips are soft, warm, and I melt into his arms despite my struggle to maintain my control.

Faintly in the distance I hear what sounds like Rogers friend Mark running and yelling something. We both look and to our disappointment it is Mark. We look at each other unable to believe the interruption only to realize the snow is falling rapidly and we are both shivering.

"What the hell do you want?" Roger yells at Mark.

Out of breathe Mark reaches us "You guys are going to catch your death out here in this cold. Benny has.."

"Just what we need, MOM to chaperone us!" Roger snaps cutting Mark off mid sentence.

Looking more than a little hurt Mark continues "Forgive me for caring! This is serious guys, Benny has locked us out, we have no place to go. "

"What the hell? You are shitting me!! That bastard" Shouts Roger furiously.

Mark shakes his head.. "I wish I was. He's really done it. What are we going to do?" he asks looking forlorn and defeated.

I squeeze Rogers hand, hoping he'll calm down. He looks at me, his eyes blazing, hurt, angry, uncertain. Though I try to fight them back tears are stinging my eyes, and he pulls me into him. Wrapping me in his powerful arms holding me tightly. For a moment I feel safe, safer than I have in a long time.

"It's going to be alright, he does this shit." he says trying unsuccessfully to reassure me. "please don't cry" he whispers into my hair.

"I'm sorry I can't help it." I croak searching his eyes for some hope, now painfully aware of the freezing night air. "I don't normally." my voice trails off.

Roger gently wipes away the tears now streaming down my cheeks and pulls me back into his arms. "We'll figure out something. Where's everyone else? They still at the café?"

"I'm not sure. When Joanne told us the news I came to find you." Mark says softly

"Maaaark!!" it's Maureen's voice, and Mark stiffens

"Well that answers that question." Roger laughs and rolls his eyes.

Watching the two of them is nothing short of amusing. I can't help but to smile. They fight like kids but it's easy to see how much they mean to each other. "Are you two always like this?" I ask innocently.

"Like what?!" They respond in unison, looking a little confused.

"Never mind" I grin.

By now Collins, Angel, Maureen and Joanne are walking quickly towards us. Maureen is pouting and Joanne looks furious.

"I'm guessing Mark told you what Benny…"Joanne starts and is abruptly cut off by Maureen

"Of course Mark has told them. Mark is Rogers little caretaker!" Maureen chides.

They begin to bicker and all I catch is little bits and pieces. Confused I look to Roger who is rolling his eyes again. "Don't even bother trying, this is typical Maureen" he whispers

"Must you guys do this now?" cries Mark, causing both to stop, looking like scolded children. "Maureen cant you for once be an adult?" He looks at Roger "What are we going to do, we're broke."

At this Joanne, offers what little help she can. "I can check with my friends at legal aide and see what they have to say. Unfortunately they are all gone for a few days. In the meantime you need a place to stay. My apartments not big but you are welcome to stay with me for a few days. I have an extra room and a couch, I'm sure we can make something work"

Maureen starts to say something only to be cut off by Joanne. "This doesn't change anything with us. Next week!"

"But Pookie?" whines Maureen only to be stopped by the serious look on Joanne's face.

"It's freezing out here, lets get out of the cold" I stammer pulling my coat more snug around me, trying not to shiver.

"Would you guys like to come over for a while? I have coffee, tea and hot chocolate." Joanne says looking at Collins and Angel.

Angel looks at Collins and smiles "It's up to you. Would you like to go?"

Collins looks at his watch "It's late, and I'm pretty tired. I'm ready to head home, if you all don't mind." his voice smooth like velvet. "Maybe another night?"

Angel shakes his head at Joanne. "Thanks for the invite but we're going to go."

"I'm cooking Christmas dinner tomorrow I would love it if you guys would come." Joanne replies

Angel and Collins look at one another again, and they seem to make a silent agreement. "If your sure there's room we'd love to come." Angel says in his sing song voice. "We'll bring the pumpkin pie."

"Dinner is at 4:30 so be there by 4. You are welcome to come sooner if you would like." She jots down the address and hands it to Collins.

"Great we'll see you tomorrow." and they disappear around the corner hand in hand.

Roger, Mark and I all look at each other feeling even more like an imposition before. "Are you sure you don't mind Joanne? I mean, we hate to impose on you like this." Mark's voice full of apology.

"Don't be silly. Of course I don't mind. As a matter of fact I INSIST." she say pointedly "I hate having an empty house at Christmas. We'll make it a party, it'll be fun." she smiles

I shiver violently and Roger wraps his arms around me trying to warm me up. "Guys I really think we should go now, it feels like it's 10 degrees colder than it was 5 minutes ago."

We all walk the 3 blocks to Joanne's in virtual silence. Every time Maureen tries to speak Joanne responds by putting her hand up signaling she has no interest in what Maureen has to say. Mark walks alone, not separate from the group but at the same time not a part of it either. His eyes bouncing back and forth between the rest of us, it's as if he's observing trying to figure something out. There is a sadness in his eyes, something that I don't think the others notice. If they do notice I can't tell. My hand gripped firmly in Rogers, we glance at everyone and then at each other. Despite the bad news our spirits are high and we smile sheepishly at one another. So much has changed in the last few hours, even more so the last few minutes; its hard to wrap my mind around it all.

We round the corner to Joanne's building. It is a small brownstone with two stories, nestled between two large houses. The front stair is cheerful with its evergreen wreaths and plants each carefully set in their places. The roof has a thin blanket of fresh snow, and I find myself thinking that it looks like a scene from a Christmas card.

Joanne, Maureen, and Mark go inside but Roger stops outside the door without saying a word. He pulls me back towards him and leans down to kiss me. He's unpredictable and I like it, there's something refreshing about it. His lips are warm despite the freezing night air, this time I am able to stop myself from melting into him. "You were doing it again. What are you thinking about." His eyes narrowing on mine.

I can feel my face red with heat, and I wonder if he can see the pink in my cheeks. I'm not used to blushing, and I don't want him to know my weaknesses. I grasp the stash tucked in my pocket as if it were a security blanket, flipping it through my fingers.

"Do you suppose Benny will change his mind?"

"Honestly, I don't know" He shrugs "I hope so. But with him you never can tell."

The door opens and Mark looks out. "Aren't you guys coming in?"

"Yes mommy." Roger chides like a teenager. Mark shakes his head and goes back inside. We stand there in awkward silence starring at each other. "Come on, we better go inside before Mark comes back out and he drags us in. He's such a little mom."

"Ok, I'm cold anyway." I smile fighting back another fit of shivers.

Inside it was warm and welcoming. The lobby is decorated in simple dark woods and overly plush burgundy couches with matching chairs that made me want to sink into them and stay there indefinitely. There's a large Christmas tree in the front window decorated in simple reds and gold. The desk attendant is sitting there reading a book looking half asleep. Roger and I look around feeling a little foolish trying to see where everyone went. "You're friends are upstairs to the left apartment 3B." the man drones not looking even up from his book.

"Uh Thanks." Roger responds, practically sprinting for the stairs pulling me behind him.

"Merry Christmas!" I call out over my shoulder

Joanne's apartment is clean, almost too clean as if she were expecting important visitors at any moment. The living room decorated in simple furnishings is big enough to entertain six or seven people. On the far wall stands a tall maple bookshelf full of law books and encyclopedias, next to it hangs a very large black and white photo and then a doorway to the right of that. By the looks of it, it's an Ansel Adams I think; remembering the photography class I took in high school. In the center of the room is a beige couch with matching chairs on either side of it. It's oversized but fits well in the room. I drag my fingers across it finding it soft to the touch. It faces a medium sized maple entertainment system that has an average size tv on it as well as a few framed pictures. Most likely family, except the 8x10 of Maureen on the second highest shelf. The coffee table is bare except for a neat stack of coasters placed in the center. On the wall with the door hangs another large black and white photo, and leading straight back there appeared to be a hallway. It was very clear that everything had it's place and I felt like I was going ruin the order of it, if I even thought about sitting down.

The door on the far side of the room turned out to be to the kitchen where Mark and Joanne sat chatting as the coffee brewed. There was no sign of Maureen, which was strange. She seems to thrive on attention. The kitchen was done in dark greens and was surprisingly large. The counters were ample and free of anything unnecessary, and off to the side sat a very large table.

"Coffee, tea or hot chocolate?" Joanne asks cheerfully when we walk in.

"Hot chocolate would be great." I smile. "You have a very nice apartment."

"Thank you, it's home." she smiles "Roger? Coffee, tea or hot"

"Oh, uh coffee." Mark gives him and irritated glance "Thanks"

I fight back a laugh, Roger was right. Mark really is a little mom. "Where's Maureen?" I ask, curious why I haven't seen her.

"Off pouting." Mark and Joanne say in perfect unison, then look at each other and laugh.

The four of us sit around the kitchen chatting, and drinking away the cold, but I notice Roger has become more quiet and withdrawn. A half hour later all of us warm, and sleepy Joanne washes the mugs then shows us where we can sleep. She gets blankets and an extra pillow from the closet and sets them on the couch. "I'm sure we can find something you can sleep in if you'd like Mimi, sorry guys you're out of luck this time." She offers. "the spare room has a queen size bed, you will have to get another pillow from there."

"Thanks, a tee shirt would be great. If you don't mind." She leaves as we figure out who's sleeping where.

"I'll take the floor, you guys can have the couch and bed if you like." I offer

"No!" the both protest "you take the bed."

"I'll take the floor in the spare room, if that's ok with you Mimi? Mark you can have the couch."

"That's fine, Roger. But are you sure you don't want me to take the floor. I don't mind." I add

"No, you're not going to sleep on the floor." Roger says pointedly.

Joanne comes back with a shirt for me and Roger grabs a blanket and we follow her to the spare room. "G'night Mark." I call

"Night." He mumbles

The room is small but has little furniture in it; just the bed, night stand and a dresser all a light honey color.. The bed sits on the wall across from the door with a window near by. The comforter is dark blue, while the pillow shams and curtains are light blue.

"Are you ok" I look at him

"What do you mean?" he replies trying to avoid my eyes.

"You just got awfully quite all of the sudden. Are you ok?" I press

"Yeah I'm fine, just tired." his eyes distant and dull, his tone unconvincing.

Roger grabs a pillow and tosses it carelessly on the floor then begins to unfold the blanket he brought from the other room. "You don't have to do that."

"Do what?" he looks confused " Make my bed? Well if I want to sleep I do." he says

"No I mean you don't have to sleep on the floor, there is plenty of room for the both of us on the bed."

" I don't think that's a good idea." his voice is flat "I'll be fine on the floor."

"I don't bite. I promise." I tease

"Look Mimi, I don't know what you expect from me, but." his eyes piercing mine

I cut him off before he can finish "Just because two people share a bed doesn't automatically mean they have to have sex. If that's what your thinking."

"I dunno, it just sounds like trouble." he stares at the floor avoiding me again. I walk over to him and touch his hand, and he looks back at me.

"The floor can't be comfortable. There's no harm if you share the bed with me." I try not to plead with my eyes. "I will feel extremely guilty if you sleep on the floor."

"I still don't" he tries to protest

"What are we 12?"

At that he smiles. "No you're 16!" he chides.

"19, but I'll let it slide this time." I smile hopefully at him. I just can't stand the idea of him sleeping on the floor.

"Alright, you win. As long as we both agree to stay on our own side of the bed." he resigns but still seems unsure.

"deal!" I drop his hand and head for the door "I'm going to go change. Take whatever side of the bed you want."

When I come back, his clothes are laying in a careless pile on the floor and he's already under the covers with his eyes closed. He doesn't move at the sound of the door opening and closing. I'm not sure if he's asleep so I try to be quiet as I turn off light and slip under the covers.

"night" he whispers awkwardly.

"night" I lay there with my back to him attempting and failing to sleep. My body is tired, but my mind is still racing. Each time I close my eyes I just find myself trying to push him from my mind.

The time drags and lying there in the dark just inches away from him is nearly more than I can stand. It is taking all my will power to not reach out and touch him. My desire to be near him is insurmountable so I shift trying to find a comfortable way to try and sleep. We went to bed and hour ago, the entire apartment is silent and I am still wide awake. Finally I roll over and look at him. He is laying there, one arm propped beneath his head in the pale glow of the moonlight that is seeping in through the window. His eyes are open and he is staring at the wall. I can't help but wonder what if anything he is thinking. My shift startles him and he looks at me.

"You're still awake?" I nod. " Can't sleep?" he asks

"No, been starring at the wall. You?" I smile wryly, still wondering why he's not sleeping.

"Yeah, can't sleep either. Not sure why actually. Maybe it's just the events of the night. I don't get out much these days." he says looking like a lost child.

Unable to control myself any longer I reach out and touch his chest, his deep brown eyes widen slightly. Slowly, gently I move my hand down his torso until I find what I am searching for. My hand slides easily under the waste band of his boxers and onto the flesh concealed within. He gasps slightly and I feel his body tense as his arousal grows. I move in closer, feeling his breath shallow as I rub him and he hardens. I grin pleased with his reaction, then he grabs my wrist to stop me. "Mimi Don't!" his tone cold and sharp. He won't look at me. I pull free and make as if I am giving up, but instead I roll on top of him and straddle him .

"You're not wearing" he chokes "panties?" grabbing my hips

"Nope. Don't like them. Wear them as little as possible" I smile mischievously

"I, I, I can't" he stammers "I'm sorry" His eyes locked for a moment on mine before looking away.

"Yes you can." I whisper as I bend down and kiss him, he doesn't kiss me back. Taunting him, rocking gently on his lap, wanting him to take me. I can feel his desire growing between my legs as I grind into him, but he still refuses to look at me. I kiss him again, this time moving slowly down his torso, making my way to his boxers. He grabs me and throws me off him causing me to wince slightly. Before I can react he's on top of me kissing me hard. He grabs my tee shirt and pulls it off savagely. He presses against me, pinning me down starting to remove his boxers. "NO!" I demand "Not yet" my voice defiant as I look him squarely in the eye. He's furious; it's written all over his face, but I don't give in. My hands on his shoulders I push him down towards my waist.

He hesitates for a moment. Then his mouth begins to angrily explore my body, his hand wanders down and he thrusts his fingers inside me. Despite myself I begin to moan softly with pleasure, as he touches me in all the right places. His tongue tracing my breasts as he works his way down until finally he's between my legs. At first he teases me, then his tongue glides inside me with great skill and purpose causing me to moan even more. The more I moan the more aggressive and determined he seems to get. I run my fingers through is hair and my whole body starts to quiver. His tongue slides in and out with more fervor, until at last trembling, I cum.

As I gasp for breath he works his way up to my breasts where he kisses me firmly before moving up to my neck. His eyes are wild and full of fire, there is no mercy in them. Breathless I kiss him, sliding my hands to his waist, I try to remove his boxers. He kisses me back, hard, removes his boxers and presses himself against me once more. He enters me hard, fast, moving with more passion and force than even I thought was possible. I find myself stifling screams of pleasure, which only makes him move with more aggression. I fear someone will hear us, but at the same time I don't care. Our bodies entangled moving as one, all his pent up rage, desperation, grief, desire and passion finally being released. Ours eyes meet and lock, I show no pity in mine instead they dare him to try and break me, as his flesh pounds against mine. His anger begins to fade. His rhythm slows, becomes more gentle, almost tender. He buries his face in my neck. His shallow breath on my skin only arouses me more. I kiss his shoulder holding him as tightly as I can, until at last, he cums collapsing with a groan.

Exhausted and out of breath we lie there in silence for a long time, both of us a little unsure of what to say or do next. I play with his hair and run my fingers lightly up and down his back, enjoying the warmth of his skin against mine. Eventually our panting slows and he rolls off me. We look at each other our eyes locked, he smiles awkwardly which causes me to giggle.

"You are terrible, you know that? I knew you were trouble!" he suddenly smirks.

"Who me? What did I do?" I feign innocence

"Yes You!" he pulls me close to him and kisses me gently "Did I, hurt you?" he eyes full of concern and a little fear

"No, you didn't" I smile sleepily

"Merry Christmas" he whispers into my hair wrapping his arms around me. For the moment his guard is down.

"Yes it is a Merry Christmas." we drift off to sleep in each others arms.

The morning sun that streams in through the curtains is enough to wake me. I'm not sure of the time but it feels early. I'm exhausted, it was a long night and I don't think we went to sleep before 4:30. Roger is still sound asleep, so I carefully slip out from his arms trying not to wake him. He stirs, but is doesn't wake. I get up and go to the window and look out. It's early by the looks of the sun. There is a soft white blanket of snow on the ground but the sun is shining, which means it wont be long till it melts. I yank on the curtains gingerly trying to reduce the sun peaking in, then turn around only to see how peaceful he is when he sleeps. It's almost as if he is a different man than the one I was with last night. Intrigued by this stranger, I stand there watching him for a long time. I smile to myself remembering last night, suddenly I shiver realizing the chill in the room. I begin to search for my shirt, I have no idea where he tossed it last night in the heat of things. Unable to find it I creep around to his side of the bed where I see it partially hidden beneath his boxers.

Roger stirs and I freeze, I desperately don't want to wake him. He turns over on his side then opens his eyes.

"Where were you going?' he mumbles sleepily

"Nowhere I was just fixing the curtains, the sun woke me. Go back to sleep."

"Come back to bed."

"I will, let me just get my shirt."

"What do you need that for?" he looks me over as I stand naked in front of him my shirt in hand. I shiver slightly "I'll keep you warm." he smiles, sitting up just enough that the covers fall away from him. Drinking him in I find myself thinking how beautiful he is naked.

"What are you smiling at?" he grins, reaching out and pulling me back into bed on top of him, as I drop my shirt carelessly on the floor. His skin is warm and feels good in the cold air, his arms wrapped around my waist.

"You" I giggle kissing him.

"Oh, I see." he raises his eyebrow " That's nice. Now go back to sleep!" he commands in a tone attempting to sound fatherly "There will be no more of this monkey business we had last night!"

"Really?" I pout, "not even a little" my eyes wide like a child, I force my lower lip to tremble.

He laughs unable to keep the game up "Stop that! Or.. Or, I'll have to spank you." I kiss him again, feeling him start to get hard beneath me. He grasps my hips and I straddle him.

I smile mischievously then begin to kiss my way down his chest, exploring him with my mouth and tongue; working my way slowly down. I feel him grow harder as I press against him. I kiss all around it , teasing him, as I trace his hips and thighs with my tongue.

There is a soft knock at the door, we look at each other more than slightly annoyed. We make no sound hoping whoever it is will think we are still sleeping and go away. The knock comes again.

"What!?" Roger grumbles in a husky voice and annoyed tone. He props himself on his elbows and glares at the door.

"Roger, can you come out here please." Marks voice replies sounding mortified.

"Shit!" he groans. "Go away I'm still sleeping" he grumbles "He has the worst timing!" he whispers to me falling back into his pillow. I continue to tease him with my tongue, and he squirms.

"oh. well I really wanted to…. Never mind, it can wait." Mark mumbles

Roger sits up and rolls his eyes. "Hold that thought." he swings his legs over the side of the bed. "Get under the covers and keep warm, I'll be right back" He kisses me, throws his jeans on and walks out the door shutting it quickly behind him.

I lay there for a long time with my eyes closed listening to the muffled sounds of their voices coming from the other room. I can't make out what they are saying, but it doesn't sound like Roger will be back anytime soon. I drift sleepily in and out until I finally hear the door open again. I look up and Roger isn't smiling, he looks rather annoyed.

"You were sleeping?" I nod "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's ok, I was listening for you to come back. What was that about?" my voice throaty with sleep.

He slips his jeans off "Don't worry about it, I'll tell you later." He whispers crawling under the covers and pulling me into his arms.

"What time is it?"

"8:30. Go back to sleep." he says softly

I lay there with my eyes closed listening to his heartbeat, feeling his chest rise and fall with each breath for what feels like an eternity. Finally I open my eyes, he's watching me. "I thought you were asleep?"

"no" I whisper

"aren't you tired?" he says looking concerned

"yeah, but I can't sleep. Is everything ok?" I search his eyes.

"Everything is fine. Why can't you sleep." his eyes narrowing "If this is about what Mark wanted earlier, it's really not a big deal. It's a Maureen thing."

"OH?!" I'm a little surprised. I lay my head back on his chest so I can listen to his heartbeat again. For some strange reason I find comfort in it. I begin tracing random shapes and patterns on his chest with my index finger. My face tilted so I can see his eyes "Is he not over her?"

"Lets not talk about Mark right now ok?" He laughs taking my hand in his and closing his eyes.

After a few minutes I pull his hand toward my mouth and begin to suck his fingers, caressing them with my tongue. He sighs heavily, then slowly pushes my hand under the covers. Our eyes meet and lock , and he begins kissing me. Knowing what he wants I start to rub him at first slowly, gently, then more rhythmically. He hardens in my hand.

Not satisfied with just touching I slip beneath the covers finding him with my mouth. Focusing on the tip, taunting him with my tongue. Roger tosses the covers back and I lift my eyes so I can see his face, but I don't stop. His eyes are starting to roll back into his head, which makes me smile. Then in one swift movement I take all of him into my mouth. He jerks slightly in surprise and breathes in quickly. I feel his hands resting lightly on my shoulders as I move slowly, steadily up and down his shaft. My tongue dances over his flesh and he gently touches the top of my head. He lets out a moan so soft it's almost inaudible.

"Come here." his voice is breathy and hoarse. He sits up just enough so that he can reach my hand, then leans back pulling me up to him. I follow a little disappointed that he wont let me finish. His hands now on my waist he pulls me on top of him. The warmth of his body presses against me. We kiss tenderly as I rock back and forth, feeling him between my legs. With ease he slides inside me, I wince but try to hide it. He stops, his eyes fixed on mine. "I did hurt you!" He says softly his tone apologetic. "I didn't mean" I place my finger on his lips cutting him off.

"No you didn't, I'm fine. Just a little tender is all." my voice soft, reassuring choosing my words carefully. I don't want him to regret last night or to stop now.

"Are you sure?" his voice barely a whisper "I'm sorry" his eyes holding my gaze

"Yes, I'm sure." I smile. "Don't be sorry. I'm not."

At this I sit up grinding him deeper inside me, his hands on my waist guiding me. His hips rotating into my pelvis setting a slow gentle rhythm. He traces his finger over my breasts and around my nipples. We smile at each other, and I see something in his eyes I hadn't seen the night before. There is a childlike innocence a vulnerability there that makes me want to cradle him in my arms forever. I take his hand again and kiss his fingers, then holding it in mine as I steadily rise and fall on top of him. His body tenses and his hand tightens around mine, spent he lets out a groan. I continue to rock gently in his lap until his erection fades completely.

Roger pulls me to him, then closes his eyes and lays there silently. I reach down and pull the covers over us as I settle into the crook of his arm resting my head on his chest. His breathing is soft and I feel the warmth of it in my hair. He drags his fingers lazily up and down my arm until at last we both sleep.


	2. Waking from the Dream

I have opted to post the second chapter in smaller blocks. It will wind up being either 3 or four chapters total.

This is the first scene in the chapter.

Please leave reviews.

* * *

The smell of bread baking wafts through the apartment filling the air with a sweet smell and the comfort of what one would imagine Christmas should be. I breathe in deep, unwilling to open my eyes afraid it is all a dream. If I had been told just yesterday I would be laying in some ones arms waking up to the smell of Christmas dinner and the sound of muffled voices in the other room I would have called that person a liar. I have always tried to keep the spirit of the season, but the last 2 years alone have been difficult. I imagine the other room being filled with my closest friends and a feast fit for a king. As if on cue my stomach growls reminding me how neglected its been. I need to eat, but I'm still afraid of waking from the dream like I have so many times before. Trying to ignore the nagging in my stomach, I burrow deeper under Rogers arm. 

"Hey, there." he says softly "you're awake?"

"No" I mumble "still sleeping!"

He laughs. " I know you are awake."

"No I'm not." I protest

"Do you always have conversations in your sleep." he laughs a little

"Maybe." I open my eyes and smile at him. His eyes are bright and he's smiling. I lean up and kiss him.

"How did you sleep?"

"Good, you? How long have you been awake?"

"Alright, I don't really sleep much so I've been up a while."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"I just couldn't bring myself to. You looked so peaceful." My stomach growls again, this time more audibly and I groan with annoyance, causing him to laugh. "Sounds like you're hungry."

"Yeah a little. I suppose we should go be social."

"They have knocked on the door 3 times in the last hour I don't think they will go away as easily again." he rolls his eyes.

"Three times? What did you say"

"Nothing, I just pretended to be sleeping. I didn't want to wake you."

"Do I detect a soft spot under that bad boy exterior Roger?" I tease

He pulls his arm from around me and sits up no longer smiling "No, I just figured you were tired, besides I didn't want to deal with them yet anyway." His eyes suddenly sober and serious.

"Oh" I don't quite know what to say. He's reacting as if I just slapped him in the face "I guess we should get up now though."

"Yeah" He is up and dressing before he finishes the word. I just sit there watching him, stunned by his behavior. As he pulls his shirt on he looks at me. "What? Something wrong?" his voice detached and distant.

"No, not at all" my voice calm and steady trying not to show my annoyance. Just like I feared, the dream is fading. "Hand me my clothes?"

He tosses me my clothes "What are you shy all of the sudden?' he scoffs at me.

"No, it's fucking cold in here." I lie, pulling my shirt over my head as he stares at me. His annoyance obvious, expecting me to dress faster. "You don't have to wait for me. I'll be out in a minute."

"Whatever" he shrugs and disappears closing the door behind him.

Once the soft thud of his footsteps disappears down the hall, I fall back into the pillows covering my face with my hands. I lay there taking slow deep breaths thinking to myself "Why Mimi? Why do you do this to yourself? You always go after the ones you cant have, always the jerks." As I lay there I can smell him on the pillow, and my heart flutters. "Shit" I mutter out loud sitting up again, grabbing my pants and slipping them on. I'm not sure if I should be more annoyed with Roger or with myself, probably a combination of the both. Pissed at myself I start yanking the covers into place trying to make it look like I made the bed, when I see a small baggie filled with white powder. It must have fallen out of my pocket when Roger threw my cloths. I pick it up quickly as if it's going to disappear, I clutch it tightly in my hand debating if I want it now. "No not now, this is Christmas. Can't you just once try and have a normal Christmas? Those are nice people out there and you want to ruin it by getting high" my voice nags in my head, as I tremble trying to convince myself I don't need it. I know I don't want it, but my body craves it.. Suddenly I hear the sound of footsteps coming down the hall, I force the bag quickly into my pocket and start tugging at the bed spread just as the door opens.

"Are you coming out today?" Rogers voice is sharp and oozing sarcasm.

"I'm just making the bed." I try to keep my voice from shaking, purposely not turning around to face him.

"Forget the bed and come out." His tone softening a little

"Alright, I'm coming." I resign, trying one last time to push the idea of getting high from my mind. He disappears down the hall again this time leaving the door wide open.

Giving up on the bed I compose myself, thankful to have stopped shaking and head out to face Roger and everyone else.


	3. It All Falls Apart

In the living room Roger is slumped in the far chair staring at the tv looking less than thrilled to be there, while everyone else seems to be engrossed in conversation in the kitchen.

"Nice of you to finally join us." he chides

I look at him but decide it's not worth it to respond. Instead I head into the kitchen, maybe I can get some breakfast. As a second thought I ask Roger "Did you eat?"

"No. I'm not hungry." he grumbles his face in a scowl his eyes not leaving the tv.

"Did I.." He glares are me, his eyes like daggers "never mind" I mutter, I don't want to deal with this now. In the kitchen everyone seems to be in good spirits. Maureen is attempting to mold what looks like a giant mound of beige play dough. Her face contorted and scrunched like a child concentrating hard on a big important project. Mark and Joanne watching and laughing at her, I can't help but laugh too.

"Morning, Merry Christmas!" Mark grins.

"Merry Christmas." I ring back trying to sound cheerful as I glance back out into the living room at Roger. I sit trying to convince myself this will be a great Christmas despite his foul humor. I'm still unsure what I did or why his mood changed so suddenly, but I refuse to let him get me down.

"You hungry? There are muffins on the counter." Joanne smiles stirring something in a frying pan.

"Starving actually." I grab a banana nut muffin and curl up in the chair next to Maureen at the table, continuing to watch her art project. Finally I ask "what are you doing?" my curiosity getting the better of me.

"Making our Christmas Turkey." her smile broad and innocent.

I must have looked a little confused, because Mark quickly clarified "tofu, she's attempting to make it look like a turkey." he sticks out his tongue making a face at me while he says it causing me to almost choke on my muffin.

"Attempting Marky? I think it looks pretty good. You think you can do better?" She sulks

"Nooo. I didn't say that." He looks terrified that she will try to get him to take over.

"Are you almost done Maureen. It has to be refrigerated for 3 hours before we can bake it. It's getting late.." Joanne intervenes

"Oh fine! This is the best I can do since you are in a hurry." she pushes it away sulking slightly. "Hey Mimi, What's Roger's problem today?" she asks innocently, but it cuts me like a knife "He's quite the grinch, isn't he."

"I don't know." I shrug trying not to look overly concerned, or show that it's bothering me "He hasn't said much to me this morning." Mark's watching me, and I try to avoid his eyes.

"Don't let him get to you." his voice comforting

"What do you mean?" I force the words and fear he sees through them. "I'm fine."

"He gets like this. It's amazing he even came out, normally he locks himself away on holidays." He tries to reassure me but I cant help but feel there is something else wrong with Roger.

"Why is that?"

"Well it's…" Mark starts but is cut of abruptly

"Would you stop fucking talking about me Mark, I can fucking hear you! I'm in the next room not the next city." Roger's voice is short and irritable. "I don't need you to explain or defend me."

"Cant you for once lose the attitude? Or does everything with you have to be miserable?" Mark snaps back

"Fuck off Mark!" he growls

"You know he's not capable of acting human Mark. How long have you known him now? You think you would have figured that by now." Maureen goads

"Maureen!" Joanne's tone like an irritated mother scolding a naughty child.

"What?" Maureen sing songs. "It's true." she shrugs

After a long silence, Marks just looks at me, his eyes apologetic. "I'll go see if I can find out what his problem is."

I shake my head, "No, I will. Thanks though." I mumble almost inaudibly as I get up to go and face Roger. My stomach twists in knots and I really have no desire to do this right now, but I have to at least try for the sake of everyone else. I can't help but feel his foul mood is my fault, but I don't know what I did to cause it. He was so sweet this morning. Still, I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining everyone's Christmas, so I swallow hard turning my back on the kitchen.

I walk in and sit silently on the edge of the couch nearest to the chair where he sits. He doesn't look up, I'm not even sure if he realizes I'm here. He's staring at the tv but his eyes are distant and I get the impression that his mind is somewhere else. I clear my throat softly hoping he'll realize I'm sitting there, but his expression doesn't change and he doesn't acknowledge me. "Roger?" I reach out and touch his hand lightly and he pulls away as if my touch burns him. I realize now he's not watching the tv, but is instead staring at the wall.

"What?" His voice annoyed and his eyes still fixed in the direction of the tv. "It's not like I didn't know you are sitting there."

"Well it would be nice if you would at least acknowledge me." my tone flat

"What do you want?" he stares at me his eyes cold "Whad'ya decide it wasn't enough to sit in the kitchen and talk about me, you had to come out here and."

"What did I do?" I cut him off, trying to keep my voice calm. "You were fine this morning when we woke up and then suddenly."

"I don't know what you are talking about." he stares at the wall again

"What's wrong?" I reach for his hand again but he pulls away before I can touch him

"Nothing."

"Bullshit!" I try not to raise my voice, staring him down "You can't sit there and convince me that nothing is wrong."

"Nothings wrong. You're imagining things."

"Am I? You wont even let me touch you"

"Yeah, your making something out of nothing."

"Oh I get it, it's all me right? So explain why you ripped Marks head off." my voice is strained as I try not to yell.

His eyes like ice fixed on mine "Damn it Mimi, you just…" Suddenly the doorbell rings causing Roger to sigh heavily, and for me to shift my gaze for an instant. That brief moment is enough. Joanne, Mark and Maureen come out from the kitchen and before I can say anything else Roger disappears down the hall.

"Roger, wait.." He ignores me, and I notice Mark has stopped and is watching silently. I consider for a moment going after him, and I start to get up but feel Marks hand touch my shoulder.

It's as if he can read my mind "It's best if you just let him go." his eyes pleading with me to let Roger be. "He'll come back out eventually. If you go now it's only going to turn into a yelling match, and you don't want that. Trust me on that one." he forces a smile.

"I guess." I sink down into the corner of the couch frustrated, confused and a little hurt by what just happened. "I just don't get it. Everything was fine earlier and then.." my voice trails off.

"He's moody, if I didn't know any better I would swear he suffers from PMS." he grins causing me to laugh despite myself as he sits down next to me.

" I just wish I knew.."

" I know you do" his tone understanding, "Trust me I know" Our conversation is cut short by the appearance of Collins an Angel.

"Merry Christmas!" Angel 's voice rings sweetly and my stomach turns "How is everyone today?"

I sit there silent trying hard to be invisible, but with the arrival of Collins and Angel it isn't easy. They both just ooze happiness and it's hard to swallow, especially after the exchange with Roger this morning.

Everyone is light hearted and merry in their conversations, except Mark who sits silently watching. The happy chatter is unnerving , just listening to it makes me queasy. But I force a smile as Angel plops down besides me. "Good afternoon Sunshine!" His voice sweet and thick like molasses "Merry Christmas" He wraps his arms around me smiling warmly. It's almost as if he's Santa Clause "how are you today?"

"Merry Christmas to you too, I'm good" I try not to choke on the words.

Angel's eyes narrow on mine searching for something "Are you okay, you look a little pale."

"I'm just tired." I force a smile "I didn't get much sleep last night. What about you? How are you?" The room bubbles with chatter and laughter. There is a giant knot in the middle of my stomach and it's making me nauseous. I just want to disappear

" I couldn't be better. Where is Roger hiding at?"

"He's… in the bedroom."

"Well, what's he doing in there. Tell him to come out here, it's Christmas he shouldn't be hiding away." Angels eyes are bright and full of a joy I have never seen before.

"Well, he's.." I look at Mark practically pleading for him to say something. " I don't" I'm too flustered to think quickly.

"He was tired and went to lay down. I'm sure he will be out in a little while" Mark rescues me.

I sigh audibly and Angel looks at me again causing me to squirm a bit. "I think I'm going to go check on him." The nausea now beyond the point of being able to ignore it as I walk down the hall, feeling Angel still watching me.

The door to the bedroom seems foreboding, and I stand there staring at it for a long time debating on if I really want to go in. I listen, hoping for some clue as to what encounter awaits on the other side, but there is only silence. It's thick and weighs heavy on my heart, causing my stomach to roll again. I take a slow deep breath trying to calm myself then reach for the door knob.

It's cold like ice as if its warning me to go away. I swallow hard forcing the bile back down my throat, turn the knob and slowly open the door hoping he is asleep. He's curled up on the bed facing the wall and doesn't move when I walk in. "Roger" I croak in barely a whisper. There is no answer so I walk around to his side of the bed to see if he's sleeping. His eyes are closed and his breathing is soft, he looks so peaceful so I sit down on the bed next to him. He still doesn't stir. I sit watching him sleep for a while then curl up next to him and close my eyes. He recoils and turns over avoiding my touch, my stomach turns again.

"Fine. When you decide to act like a grown up, I'll be in the other room." I storm out without a backwards glance trying to not show that he's getting the better of me. I cant deal with everyone right now so I lock myself in the bathroom trying to not vomit.

My face is hot with anger. I'm so furious I could kill him. "slow deep breaths Mimi, slow deep breaths." I tell myself catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My face is flush from the anger and confusion of the day. I stare at myself long and hard, trying to see what everyone else sees. I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. My face is thinner than I remember and it looks tired. My eyes, they are dull despite the glistening of tears. I can't help but wonder what happened to me, how did I screw up my life so badly. I slam my fists down on the sink and have to stifle a yell from the pain. "Fuck!" I mutter and the tears stream down my cheeks. It takes all my will power not to go back in there and slap him.

I stumble making my way to the tub where I sit and cry for a long time, lost in my own world. My mind keeps wandering back to Roger and last night. The look in his eyes this morning, its just all so confusing. "You know what. Fuck him, I don't need this. I'm not going to let him ruin my Christmas." I mutter getting up to splash water on my face.

Just then there is a soft knock on the door. "I just wanted to let you know dinner is ready. Is everything ok?"

"Yeah everything is fine. He's being a child and I'm not going to let him ruin Christmas." I smile suddenly realizing just how long I have been in the bathroom.

"Good idea, he tends to bring people down." He looks at me hesitantly. "You want to tell him dinner is ready or should I?"

" I can do it if you want. Either way, it doesn't matter."

"Is he in a really bad mood?"

"I don't know, he didn't say a word when I was in there." I shrug

"Oh? Sounds like typical Roger. I'll go get him." his smile warm and bright. "I'm sure you have had enough of his mood for one day."

"I'll be out in a minute, I'm just going to wash up." I splash the cool water on my face letting it wash away my frustrations and anxiety as I hear Mark trying to talk to Roger.

"Dinner is ready" Mark is clear and bright but I can't hear Roger. "Look you can't hide away forever, besides you need to eat something." his tone fighting annoyance "I don't know what you problem is today but you are being rude, not only to Mimi, but to everyone else. Stop sulking and be an adult." Marks footsteps fall hastily on the hall floor as he heads back to the kitchen.

I listen to see if Roger is coming out but there is only silence. Once my heart stops pounding I splash water on my face one more time then head for dinner.

The kitchen table is over flowing with delicious smelling food. Maureen is sitting perched at the end of the table like an exotic bird on display. Her smile so warm and innocent, to her left is Angel then Collins, to her right is Mark. Joanne is at the end of the table opposite Maureen and closest to the stove so she can easily retrieve items from the kitchen. Which leaves two chairs next to each other one for Roger and one for me.

I can't help but laugh a little seeing Mark with Maureen as I sit down in the chair next to Joanne. It's painfully obvious that he's trying not to dote over her but he isn't succeeding. Just as I join in the chatter around the table a rather disgruntled Roger stalks in seeing the only open chair is between Mark and I. To this he rolls his eyes and slumps down annoyed.

"Oh goody, the gangs all here" rings Angel cheerfully. "Think we should have a toast, in celebration of this wonderful day." This causes a chorus of agreement and one very audible groan of course from Roger that everyone else seems to ignore.

"To what shall we toast?" Joanne grins

"To good friends" Mark replies echoed by everyone repeating it.

"To good food" chimes Collins followed by another echo of agreement

"And last but not least, to love. Old and New without which we would have nothing" Angel rings causing another chorus of agreement and Roger to lower his glass.

"Roger?" Mark elbows him in the rib

"What" he retorts " I'm not toasting this crap." Roger looks like he's going to punch Mark

"Don't be an ass.."

"Let it go Mark, it's not worth it. It doesn't bother me, so let it go." I interrupt. Even though the tension is so thick you can cut it with a knife, I try not to let it show. "let's eat, I'm starving and this all looks so good."

Rogers scowl getting more pronounced by the minute as the food is passed around the table. I hadn't realized how hungry I was until now. "This is amazing, Joanne, you have really out done yourself." It feels good to have real food in my stomach, my mashed potatoes vanishing.

The conversation is light and happy as we enjoy our dinner, Roger barely touching his. Instead he sits pushing it around his plate reminding me of when I was little and didn't want to eat my vegetables. "Pass the potatoes?" Roger hands them to me and our hands touch causing him to draw back and drop the bowl on the table.

"What the hell was that" my reaction taking me by surprise

"Look what you made me do" he snaps

"ME? What did I do?" my voice getting louder despite myself

Roger slams his fists on the table causing me to jump then gets up and takes off towards the bedroom.

I follow him from the table grabbing his arm to stop him. He turns quickly on his heal looking me in the eye. "Roger, what's going on? What's the matter?" I implore still grasping his arm

"Don't touch me!" He yells pulling away violently

"Why not? Talk to me damn it.. What's wrong?"

"Leave me alone."

"NO! Not till you tell me what the hell is going on." my voice raised "what happened to the.." I fumble on the words "What about last night?"

"Last night was a mistake! It never should have happened." He explodes, his words like a slap in the face, his eyes fierce. Suddenly I feel everyone watching us. "You pushed and finally got what you wanted last night. Isn't that enough? Why do you have to keep pushing? Can't you see that I don't want you? You're nothing but a whore!"

Unable to stand it any longer I slap him so hard my hand hurts. My face on fire. "Fuck off Roger. I'm no ones whore! I don't know what the hell your problem is, but fuck off!" I scream, pushing past him towards the bedroom, where I slam the door behind me. I hear the pounding of his feet on the floor getting closer, causing a wave of nausea to rush over me. Frantically I grab my jacket and run out the front door, collapsing against the wall outside shaking uncontrollably, my hand throbbing. I can hear shouting inside at first clear then more muffled as they shout over each other. First Mark "What the hell is your problem Roger?" "I don't have a problem Mark! Why don't you fucking butt out." Maureen pipes in "Why are you always such an asshole?" "Aren't you gonna go after her?" Marks voice "Why the hell should I? I aint her fucking keeper." Back and forth till it's all a haze.

I hear the door start to open, so I stand as quickly as I can still shaking so violently that I have to use the wall to support me. It's Mark. "are you ok?' he asks gently

"Yeah I'm fine." I fight to gain my composure "He's a fucking bastard."

"Yeah sometimes he is. I don't know what happened in there but really, he's a good guy. He doesn't say shit like that" He fights for the right words "He's not very good with people. Just give him a little time. Come back inside?"

"He doesn't say shit like that? Well he just did." I try not to scream at him

Suddenly Angel is standing there "Honey are you okay?"

"Thanks for the concern. But I'm fine. I'm gonna go, I don't need this shit." I start towards the stairs

"Mimi, wait!" Angel calls "I'm sure he didn't mean it" I don't stop.

"Where are you going, you don't have any place to go?" Mark cries. As I round the corner to the stairs I hear the door slam and the shouting erupts again. I throw my jacket on and run for the door as fast as I can, not stopping, not looking back. I need to get away before I start shaking so badly that my legs give out.

It's freezing outside and there is a thin sheet of ice on the ground causing me to loose my footing and almost fall. The sun gave a false hope of warmth all day, and it's fading now anyway. I look around trying to figure out where to go and what to do, I have nothing. Mark was right I have no where to go, I just know I can't go back in there. I need to find someplace where I can go unnoticed, somewhere I can escape, somewhere I can, can get high. There is no where. Although I doubt they will, it's still possible they will come looking me. I have to find someplace, any place. I turn and face the building that I just escaped and see a little path on the side, it's not what I hoped for but it's something. It has to lead somewhere. I am just barely out of sight when I hear his voice.

"Mimi! Mimi!" I hear Roger call over and over again, his voice angry. "Dammit!"

"You've succeeded again Roger" Maureen remarks with a snide tone

"You're not fucking helping Maureen, so either shut up and help look for her or go away damn it." he snaps at her.

"Oh, so you suddenly care? What happened to last night being a mistake, and what else was is that you so lovingly called her? Wait I believe it was **_whore_**, wasn't it? I'm not the one that made her run away now am I?" provoking his anger purposely.

"God Damn it Maureen, I know what I said. I don't need you to fucking."

"Guys, knock it off," Mark screams cutting them both off.

"This isn't getting us any closer to finding Mimi. Let's just split up, Roger, Mark you guys go towards the park. Maureen, Joanne you guys go towards the loft, Angel and I will go towards the subway. Meet back here in an hour?" Collins' voice calm and full of reason.

They were all there, all still angry, but why, why would they come looking for me? I sink down against the side of the building barely hidden by a little foliage; trembling and fighting back tears. All I can do is pray they don't see me. I wait for their voices and footsteps to fade then I reach in my coat pocket and find everything I need my lighter, a needle and syringe; it's all there right down to a small vile of water. I fumble trying to hurry almost spilling the powder on the ground causing my stomach to lurch. Not caring that there is enough heroin in the baggie for at least 2 good highs I use it all. Once it's dissolved I push up my sleeve trying to steady my hand, knowing soon this will all be a blur, I wont have to think about it. The familiar pinch of the needle piercing my skin has a calming effect on my stomach, it's done and in a matter of seconds it's coursing through my veins and I know that I wont feel this anymore. I breathe deep letting the syringe drop into my lap, not even caring enough to cover the needle. I hate myself for it.

In minutes everything dulls, and I start to feel better. It's not long after that I don't feel the bite of the cold, my heart has stopped racing so close my eyes and lean against the building. The silence is thick and almost deafening, but it's welcome after the shouting. I sit there for a long time letting the calm over take my body, not caring about anything.

I must have dozed off, because suddenly I hear Roger's voice; it's getting closer. "Mimi, is that you?" They said an hour, they wouldn't be back for an hour. It can't have been an hour already, I start to panic. I open my eyes, my head starts spinning but he's coming right for me. I try to get up but my legs wont work, I'm trembling so hard that I stumble and fall letting a cry as I hit the ground.

"Mimi?" his voice gentle "Oh God.. I'm so sorry."

"Leave me alone." my voice is thin, I try to focus on his face but cant, so I close my eyes. "I'm no ones whore"

"I know you're not, I didn't mean it. I'm.. I'm sorry."

"Roger? She's shaking and look, that was in her lap." I hear Marks voice but both sound like they are in a tunnel

"I know I see it. Mimi, how much did you take?" his voice seems panicked he tries to touch me but I recoil "Mimi, was this bag full? Mimi, open your eyes; look at me. Did you use the whole bag?" I nod "Shit!" I flinch "put your arms around my neck. I'm going to take you inside."

"NO! Can't you just go away and leave me alone you asshole?" I try to scream but it sounds more like a pathetic squeak.

"I'm not leaving you out here to freeze." his voice stern as he starts to lift me, I squirm trying to get away. "You may as well give up, you are in no shape to win. Besides you're out numbered." I continue to struggle but he's too strong.

"Will she be ok?" Mark says in barely a whisper

"We will know how bad it is in a little while. Let's just get out of the cold." He takes my arms and wraps them around his neck, then he picks me up with ease. I try once more to fight but I don't have the strength, I resign as he carries me inside and puts me in bed. Roger doesn't even have a chance to pull the covers over me before everything fades to darkness.

"Any change? Should we take her to a hospital? She looks like she's barely breathing" Marks voice is soft, scared, so far away.

"No, I think she'll be ok. If she was in any real danger something would have happened by now. It's been a few hours." Their voices are distant almost like a dream. I try to move but my body doesn't cooperate. I groan opening my eyes. Everything is blurry and my eyes strain to focus. Roger is sitting in a chair next to the bed his eyes fixed on me. My head is pounding, and my stomach is rolling. I try once more to move but my whole body hurts and refuses to comply.

"I'll come back later" Mark says as he leaves. Roger nods but doesn't look at him.

"Don't try to move, just go back to sleep." Roger touches my cheek gently and smiles.

"Rog.." my voice is barely a whisper

"shhh, just go back to sleep." he leans down and kisses me

"I think I'm going to be sick." I croak

"Oh God.. Alright" He scoops me up and carries me quickly to the bathroom, setting me down next to the toilet. He sits down next to me pulling my hair back from my face, and starts to lightly rub my back.

"You don't have to…" I can't even finish my sentence, it's interrupted by my sudden retching and vomiting. He just sits there holding my hair , rubbing my back and helping to support my weight when I need it. Having him there is comforting, but it makes me hate myself even more. We do this for what has to be almost and hour, the only sound is me being sick with short periods of silence in between. Finally there is nothing left in my stomach and I'm left with a severe case of dry heaves. Eventually there is nothing and I collapse against him. We sit there for a long time in silence him holding me.

"Would you like some water?" I nod "Will you be ok alone for a minute?"

"Yeah, thanks" he props me against the wall an leaves. Exhausted I close my eyes.

I don't have to wait long for him to come back with the water and he helps hold it while I drink " slowly, and not so much, unless you want to get sick again." I stop drinking and shake my head "are you ready to go back to bed?" I nod collapsing against him once more. He takes me back to bed and crawls under the covers next to me taking me in his arms. "now get some rest."

"Roger why did you come after me?" it takes all me strength to tilt my face towards his.

"We can talk about this later. Right now you need to sleep."

"You're still an asshole, you know that right?" I smile weakly at him

"Yeah I know, but I'm trying. So try not to hold that against me though?" he laughs, holding me tighter and kissing the top of my head. "Now go back to sleep."

Unable to keep my eyes open any longer I give in to sleep, and the warmth of his arms.


	4. Moments of Regret

Authors Notes: I have changed direction with this fic. I'm no longer telling it from Mimi's point of view which also means it's no longer in first person. I decided that I needed to broaden the scope for it go where I eventually wanted it go. I will go back and do rewrites on the previous chapters when I have some time. I hope you enjoy it, honest reviews are welcome and appreciated. I'm sorry it has taken me so long to update, thank you for your patience.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own these characters.

* * *

It was late morning and the sun was glaring harshly through the window when the pressure on Mimi's bladder finally woke her. She groaned softly in protest to being awake deciding to lay there and try to ignore it, albeit unsuccessfully. All she wanted to do was blink away the brightness and go back to sleep still feeling far too tired and miserable to get up. She couldn't help but think to herself that being run over by a bus would feel better than she felt now. She tried one more time to find a comfortable position and is yet again unsuccessful, finally she gives in and decides to get up. She discovers it's a struggle just to get out of bed, let alone to do so without waking Roger, who seems to be sleeping restlessly. She watches him for a moment noticing that his face is drawn, there are circles forming under his eyes and his hair has matted lightly on his forehead. Just looking at him causes a sudden rush of guilt to wash over her, making her to realize that he probably didn't sleep much last night. At the time she must have thought it a dream, but now knows that each time she stirred in the night she heard his voice softly shushing her back to sleep. She tries to replay the previous evening struggling to put a time table to it but everything after their fight is nothing but a blur. She had no idea what time he found her or when it was that she woke up sick, all she can figure is that it had to have been around four thirty when she ran out. She knows she shouldn't feel guilty, after all it was his fault that she got upset and left. But she also knows that she shouldn't have gotten so high. Now watching him sleep causes a little tug on her heart.

Shaking the thoughts from her head, Mimi slips out of bed only to find that her legs are shaky and wobble like rubber beneath her. Roger stirs slightly and she freezes, desperately trying not to wake him. Fighting for every step, somehow she manages to make her way out the door without waking him. Once in the hall what little strength she had fails and she has to lean against the wall for support. As she stumbles to the bathroom she can't help but think she hasn't felt this horrible in a long time. She also knows now that it was a bad idea to get out of bed, but she had no choice, besides it's too late now.

Mark had been sitting in the living room staring off into space when he heard Mimi in the hall. At first he thought he should go and check to make sure she that was alright but then thought better of it. He didn't want to impose on her and he felt that would be. It made him think back to when Roger was like this and his stomach turned. He hated to remember his best friend like that, it was even uglier in retrospect than he remembered it being when it was actually happening. In all the times he tried to help him, it usually turned into an ugly fight. Roger was too stubborn and by that point shut off from everyone, and Mark could see some of the same traits in Mimi. He wanted to help, instead he resigned himself to sit there focusing on a spot on the wall trying to push Mimi from his mind.

The bathroom tile is like ice on Mimi's bare feet and she shivers uncontrollably just touching it. It feels almost like shards of glass stinging her flesh and she has to fight not to cry out. She jumps more out of reflex than anything towards the rug in front of her and almost falls. Once the pressure on her bladder is relieved she splashes her face with warm water and tries to muster a non existent strength. Defeated by her own body, all she wants to do is go back to bed.

Mimi's stomach was still queasy and the journey to the bathroom had only made it worse causing her to have to sit on the side of the bath tub hoping that she wouldn't be sick again. After a long time of sitting there she's fairly certain nothing will come of the nausea so she tries to make her way slowly back towards the bedroom. Despite her best efforts she has to stop to rest, her body sinking to the floor with a soft thud. She sits there shaking and frustrated unable to believe how hard it is to go the 8 feet to the bathroom and back again. Her breath heavy in her chest and tears stinging her eyes, yet she can't will herself to move. She's never felt so helpless. Within seconds she hears footsteps in the hall.

"Mimi, are you ok?" it's Mark and he rushes towards her. He just couldn't continue to ignore the sounds in the hall. The thud was just too much for him.

She wipes her eyes quickly hoping he doesn't see the threatening tears "I'm fine, just resting a minute." her voice nearly failing her, she tries to get up but can't.

"Here. Let me help you." He reaches for her and she pushes his hand away.

"It's ok. I can do it, but thank you." she smiles weakly at him.

His eyes fix on hers "Are you sure?" she nods and tries once more to stand falling back down immediately. He reaches for her and she recoils, too stubborn to admit she needs help. "Well at least let me get Roger." He tries to insist.

"NO Mark!" her tone a far more harsh than had she intended causing him to frown like a scolded puppy.

"Is this over what he said yesterday? He didn't mean." Mimi cuts him off by touching his hand and shaking her head.

"No, it's not. Although in a way it should be. And he's not off the hook for that, I.." Her voice trails off "I just don't want to wake him. He looks like he didn't sleep much last night." her voice soft full of guilt and her eyes averting his "I think he needs."

"I think you need to worry about you and not Roger right now. He's stronger than you think, he's a survivor." he cuts her off reaching for her once again. She looks at him curiously sensing there is a whole lot he's not saying. Before she can ask he's speaking again."Let me help you. You can hardly move."

Mimi doesn't even have a chance to respond when they are interrupted "Mimi?" Rogers voice calls out her name and door to the bedroom quickly opens to show him looking a bit panicked and almost frightened.

"I'm right here." her voice a whisper "are you okay?"

Before she can even get the words out he's right there beside her. "When I woke up and you weren't there I thought you had left.." He catches himself mid thought. "I was just worried." His voice a little shaky causing her to look at him curiously, her eyes searching his. She starts to press him on his reaction, but Mark is shaking his head behind Roger giving her the idea that it's better not to ask.

"I was just coming back to bed." She starts to struggle to get to her feet but her legs give out like rubber beneath her.

"I gotcha" He catches her and scoops her up into his arms.

"Rog, I can walk, you don't have to carry me." Mimi protests, desperately grasping her independence. He looks at her unconvinced "really, I'm fine"

"Okay, if you're sure" he sets her down and her legs fold beneath her. "Whoa!" He barely catches her before she falls all the way to the floor. "I thought you." Mark sits watching silently.

"Alright you win!" Mimi's tone exasperated cutting him off "Is that what you.."

"Hey, relax. It's not about winning." His tone suddenly relaxed and playful as he smiles at her only increasing her frustration. "you're cute when you're annoyed." his voice full of laughter as he carries her back to the bedroom.

"Shut up." she pouts. "You're not funny."

"Who said anything about being trying to be funny?" he grins mischievously and jerks like he's going to drop her causing her to squeal.

"Roger!" Mimi clutches him as tightly as she can burying her face in his neck, knowing she doesn't have the strength to hold on if he decides to let go.

He laughs holding her tighter, enjoying her touch far more than he's willing to admit. He smiles at her and she scowls in response " I wasn't going to drop you, I was just teasing."

"Well it's _NOT_ funny." her glare more intense than before, his face sobering instantly

"I'm sorry." he says softly

"Just put my down. I'm tired." her voice void of all emotion.

"Ahh don't be mad." His eyes wide still cradling her in his arms

"Roger, I'm not mad." she sighs audibly "I'm just worn out and I still feel terrible. Please just put me down."

"Alright" Finally relenting he sets her on the bed pulls the covers over her then starts to leave.

"Where are you going?" she watches him their eyes meeting "Aren't you coming back to bed."

"no I'm gonna…" His eyes dropping away from hers as he turns once again to go, but she's able to catch hold of his hand.

"Roger wait. I don't want you to go, I didn't mean.." She can't form a complete sentence, nothing is making sense. "Please, come back to bed."

"I'll be right back" He smiles and leaves.

Mimi laid there with her mind suddenly racing, trying to understand Roger, wondering why he left and if he's really coming back. Why did he seem so frightened when he woke and found her not there? Why is he so quick to push her away one minute only to hold on so tightly the next? What didn't Mark say in the hallway? The questions just wouldn't stop and her head was starting to spin. The nausea was coming back stronger than before, and the ceiling felt like it was closing in on her. She closes her eyes so tightly that they water slightly, tensing her body trying to make it stop. All Mimi could here was her heart pounding in her ears and it made her just want to scream. Suddenly she jumps, crying out involuntarily in response to someone touching her arm.

"Mimi, are you ok?" Rogers voice strong yet gentle. "Mimi?" his hand touches her cheek

She opens her eyes slowly focusing on his face, his eyes fixed on her. "Yeah I.. I…" her whole body shaking violently.

"You're dripping wet, I was only gone 5 minutes"

"It felt more like hours." she said meekly without ever realizing what she had said.

"What happened.?"

"I don't know, I just.." she swallowed hard trying to get rid of the cotton feeling in her mouth. "Suddenly I felt like the room was closing in on me and it was spinning." She struggles with the words "I couldn't breathe. I just.."

"shhhh." Rogers hushes her, crawling into bed wrapping her in his arms. "It's gonna ok. I've been there. It just needs to work it's way out of your system. You're gonna be ok." He was hoping she would get clean and was afraid to tell her how much worse it would get before it got better if she did.

Mimi curls up in the comfort of his arms, her body still shaking uncontrollably, yet feeling better just knowing she's not alone. "Where did you go?" She opens her eyes watching him intently.

His mouth curls into a tentative smile "I went to get you something to eat, but I guess you aren't up for it now."

"No, I'm not….. Sorry."

"It's ok, don't be. You probably wont be hungry for a while."

"Maybe." she whispers burying herself in his arms and closing her eyes again "Right now all I want to do is sleep." It wasn't long before she was sleeping.

Roger lay there for a long time content that Mimi was sleeping soundly. He hated to admit it even to himself, but this girl was getting to him and he wasn't sure what to make of it. There were moments when she reminded him so much of April that it hurt, that's when he was angry, distant, even cruel. Other times the two were so different that he wondered how even for an instant he could compare one to the other. In less than forty eight hours Mimi had not only managed to put a crack in the wall he'd built to protect himself, but also managed to scare the hell out of him. In the silence he closed his eyes and started to wonder if he should just walk away, but then when he looked at her. With her curls splayed wildly on the pillow, feeling her soft breath on his chest he didn't think he could. Suddenly he wanted nothing more than to finger the strings of his guitar now so far beyond his reach. If only things could be undone, changed, what he wouldn't give if only he could feel whole again. Instead tears stung his eyes though he tried to blink them back all the while watching the tragic beauty sleeping in his arms.

Mark sat on the couch looking lost, unsure of what to make of anything. His fingers wandering aimlessly over the knobs of his camera that was resting in his lap. It was like his security blanket, a comfort to just feel it's weight. He thought of his friends, the old ones and the new, he even thought of Joanne. He felt sorry for her in a way. Maureen was like a never ending soap opera drama, a twist and turn at any unexpected moment. Sometimes she was so outrageous he couldn't help but wonder if she was actually real or a made up character in ones imagination. He did know that she still made his heart ache though, and that was real enough. His eyes slowly drank in the apartment and he couldn't help but wonder how he wound up here, once again getting lost in his own thoughts. No wonder he hadn't heard Maureen come in. It wasn't until she plopped down practically in his lap that he was brought back from his thoughts.

"What are you doing? Get off me!" Mark was exasperated.

Maureen shifted and sat next to him her leg pressing against his, her face leaning towards his. When he looked at her she was staring at him wearing a pouty expression, with her eyes mastering the best of puppy dog looks. He knew she wanted something, and he could tell he wasn't going to like it.

"What ?" He shifted uncomfortably trying to gain a little personal space.

"Marky, baby?" Her voice oozed a thick sweetness that was too much for him to bear.

"Maureen stop! Just tell me what you want already?' he snapped

"You don't have to be mean Marky. You're never mean." she croaked

He sat watching her for a moment in silence waiting for the worst. Her eyes grew wide and suddenly looked like giant green pools ready to spill over at any moment.

"I'm sorry." he sighs "You obviously want something, what is it?"

"Well.." she hesitates causing Marks expression to quickly begin showing signs of annoyance again.

"Come on, out with it. You're not one to fumble especially when you want something" He forces a laugh.

"Well" she starts again. "It's Joanne. I know this is a lot to ask, but wont you talk to her for me. You know... Convince her that she doesn't want me to move out" she bats her eyelashes at him and he groans.

"You're kidding me right?" he can't even begin to hide his shock "Maureen that's too much even from you. I can't believe you would ask that. "He flops back in disbelief and looks away. Maureen sits there silently staring at the side of his face until he feels her eyes burning a virtual hole in him. Feeling the uncomfortable stare he looks back at her, "You really want me to do this?" Maureen nods "I can't, it's a bad idea. I don't know why you think me talking to her would do any good."

"Fine! Don't help me. After all we've been through, how can you be so heartless?" She doesn't wait for a response but stalks off and disappears down the hall.

Mark sat and debated if he should go after her or not. He really had no desire to talk to Joanne about not kicking her out, but he also wasn't sure he could tell Maureen no. She had this way of twisting him in knots and getting him to do things for her, simply because he adored her. She was famous for getting others to do her dirty work for her, especially Mark. He was wrapped around her little finger and she knew it, of course really anyone who knew either of them knew it as well. Finally resigned to yet another defeat by her he let out a groan and went after her, knowing he was going to regret this.

Mark's footsteps fell silently on the floor. He was hoping to not alert Maureen of his presence too soon, this way she wouldn't have time to think of something else to say to make him feel guilty.

Maureen had her back to the door and didn't hear Mark come in. He watched her for a minute while she was indiscriminately stuffing clothes in a suitcase still debating on what he was going to do. It was when she sank down and buried her face in her hands that he couldn't take anymore.

"Maureen?" His voice was tentative as he laid his hand on her shoulder

"Oh Marky." She sobbed "What am I supposed to do? Pookie's throwing me out. Don't you understand what she means to me?"

"Maybe she just needs a little time to cool off" He was calm and full of reason, part of the emotion spectrum that Maureen had never been able to master. "Do you even know why she asked you to leave?" he sat down beside her and looked her square in the eye.

"You're just being cruel! I see how it is, you're relishing the idea of getting back at me aren't you! You never forgave me for leaving you for a woman." She was indignant and practically screaming at him.

"Maureen stop." Mark's voice firm "that's not what this is about and you know it. Stop screaming before you wake up Roge.."

She cut him off and started to wail again "Fuck Roger!"

"and Mimi." Mark said through gritted teeth "You're gonna wake up Roger _AND_ Mimi" He emphasized the and to her hoping she would quiet down a little.

"It's always about Roger. What about me? I swear you care more about him than you ever did about me" Her voice more pouty now than angry

"You know that's not true, he's my best friend. Besides someone has to look out for him, though that's besides the point. Can we not talk about Roger right now?" He was offended by the statement, which is exactly what she wanted. He sat silently for a minute, before looking at her again. "What do you want me to say to Joanne. I don't understand why you think I can be of any help, but I'll try." He said with a defeated sigh. Once again he had resigned himself to Maureen's every whim. Just like he always does.

Maureen threw her arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. "You're the best! I knew you loved me." her tone had done a complete 180 in a matter of seconds. With that she stood up and bounced out of the room.

"Maureen, what am I supposed to say to her?" Mark called to the back of her head

"Oh Marky, you're good with people. You'll figure something out." and she was gone.

Mark sat on the floor of Maureen and Joanne's room lost in the aftermath of another Maureen storm, trying to catch his breath. She had left her suitcase on the bed and clothing strewn all over the place in her typical fashion. Nothing about her had ever been orderly, it was part of her charm. She had this sexy, wild, out going personality and she couldn't be bothered with structure even when it came to putting her clothes away. Seeing her room like this gave Mark a familiar ache in his heart reminding him that he still missed having her in his daily life, no matter how chaotic she made it.

"Whatcha thinkin about?" Maureen asked practically touching her nose to his nose.

He hadn't heard her come back in and was startled back to reality "huh?"he stared at her still in a slight daze "What?"

"Whatcha thinkin about?"she repeated

"Nothin, why?"

"You were thinking about something. You had to be, cuz you were grinning." she peered at him eyes wide and sparkling.

Marks face started to burn red, he could feel it. "It's nothing, just an idea for a screenplay."

"Starring Me?" She bit her lower lip, smiling causing her eyes to dance and his heart to lurch in his chest.

"Yeah something like that." anything to appease her, just so long as she stopped asking.. "Look you better keep packing." She looked at him and tears started to well in her green eyes again. "Just is case. I'll still talk to Joanne, but it's better if it looks like you don't know about it."

Her eyes turned down and she was suddenly looking at the floor "I guess you're right Marky"

He took this as his chance to escape, so he got up and headed for the door.

"Marky?"

"Yeah." He stopped and turned to her, noticing how innocent and childlike she suddenly looked.

"Thank you." she almost whispered the words.

"You're welcome." his tone matching hers. Then he was gone, unable to watch her any longer. He knew that if he didn't walk away right then he would say something he would regret.


End file.
